Monday, August 18, 2008

Fixing Things

As the summer winds down and I think about school starting in a couple of weeks, I've been trying to make sure I spend time with my daughter having fun and just "hanging out". I know that once school starts, she will be gone seven hours each day and that the time she spends at home will be full of homework, practicing piano and catching up on shows she missed during the day.
Today was a beautiful day and we decided to take a walk to the neighborhood drug store. We have done this many times over the summer and it has proven to be a nice time just to talk and be together. The highlight for my daughter is picking out a cold bottle of flavored water or juice from the refrigerated case at the drug store for the trip home. For me, it's a little bit of exercise and a lot of realizing how much she has grown over the summer. I feel like time is rushing past and I have to stop and look at her before she grows again!
However, since I know that I cannot stop time and that soon I will be alone all day, I've been making a mental list of things to try to accomplish. My list mainly consists of chores around the house that didn't get done in the spring while I was still recovering from my surgery and that I have put off all summer.
1. Fix the stain on the dining room ceiling where roof leaked over the winter when ice backed up on the roof and the snow melt had no where else to go.
2. Fix my daughter's bedroom by trying to organize the many toys she has outgrown, but still cannot bare to part with.
3. Fix the attic by cleaning out the many boxes of crafts I just had to start and never finished.
4. Fix my car. I need four new tires and I must make an appointment to get that done.
5. Fix myself.
Wait. What was that last one? Fix myself. Am I broken? Well, maybe not totally broken, but definitely in a state of disrepair. While most people would not know it just by looking at me or talking with me, I have not been feeling like myself for the past few months. Sure, I go about my day, doing the things I'm supposed to be doing, following the routine, taking care of everything and everyone like a good wife and mother is supposed to do. Inside, I've been feeling like I have lost little pieces of me.
I lost a big piece over the winter when I realized my health was being taken by two squashed discs in my neck. I have had several surgeries and health issues in my past, but none have taken the bite out of me that this one did. Before those discs began misbehaving, I had lost 20 lbs, was following my gluten-free diet, was feeling better, was full of energy and had many plans for future adventures. Now, here I am, up 10 lbs again, having stomach troubles even though I'm still following a strict celiac diet and just going to the grocery store seems like a huge adventure.
I have let fear sneak into my life. Fear that if I do something too active I'll have shooting pains in my arms for the next week. Fear that if I go out to a social event there will be nothing safe for me to eat. Fear that someone will notice that I'm afraid.
Before I hear choruses of "stop whining!" and "why don't you get a job?" or "get a life!", I want to clarify why I am writing this blog today. It's to make a written promise to myself to snap out of this funk I've been in and do something about it. I need to fix what's broken.
While fixing the stuff around the house seems fairly easy, I'm not so sure how easy fixing myself will be. I'm almost certain that it has to begin with my inner thoughts. My intestinal fortitude as they say. I keep going back again and again to Dr. Randy Pausch's speech to the graduating class. (See my earlier post)
"You have to decide, early in life whether you're going to be a Tigger or an Eeyore. "
I'll let you know what I've decided....

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